About Melissa

Melissa Ann Caterina Schemmenti is the roguish, irreverent second-grade teacher at Willard R. Abbott Elementary. With a heart of gold that belies a cynical exterior, she isn't above leveraging her questionable connections and bending rules to protect those she loves.

A proud Italian-American, her passions run as deep as her marinara sauce―whether she's cooking another meal for twelve, shouting at the TV during an Eagles
game, or tearing into Henry VIII like
he personally wronged her.

― Since November 8, 2021 ―
(If you had Javascript on, you'd see a little counter here.)

I first met Melissa on November 8, 2021, about a month before Abbott Elementary began airing, when I had been invited to join the test audience for two episodes: S0101 - Pilot and S0106 - Gifted Program.

Part of the evaluation process was comprised by rating each character based on how much I liked them, which traits I liked, and which aspects I wanted to see explored in the future. Unfortunately, I didn't understand a word of Melissa's accent―my impression of her was mostly that she was kind of scary and mean to Janine.

Nonetheless, I gave her full marks on all metrics solely because I thought she was cute. I got $35 for my time and I'm pretty sure I spent it all on swanky dental floss.

... I then forgot about her for a year because I don't watch TV. I wanna think I fell hard enough to have atoned for it; it was love at second sight ♥.

Reading to
Sweet Cheeks 🐹

Her tupperware salad ♥

I just think she's cute here :)

Moé Points

(≧▽≦)

cat paw hands 🐾

close-set eyes

cute, long nose

5 apples tall ...

her pants and sleeves tend to be a bit long on her

small, but always in heels. reminds me of a kitten trying to make itself look bigger

gumline along her maxillary central incisors is at a slight angle

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rambling Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetur adipiscing elit, sed do eiusmod tempor incididunt ut labore et dolore magna aliqua. Ut enim ad minim veniam, quis nostrud exercitation ullamco laboris nisi ut aliquip ex ea commodo consequat. Duis aute irure dolor in reprehenderit in voluptate velit esse cillum dolore eu fugiat nulla pariatur. Excepteur sint occaecat cupidatat non proident, sunt in culpa qui officia deserunt mollit anim id est laborum. Sed ut perspiciatis unde omnis iste natus error sit voluptatem accusantium doloremque laudantium, totam rem aperiam, eaque ipsa quae ab illo inventore veritatis et quasi architecto beatae vitae dicta sunt explicabo. Nemo enim ipsam voluptatem quia voluptas sit aspernatur aut odit aut fugit, sed quia consequuntur magni dolores eos qui ratione voluptatem sequi nesciunt. Neque porro quisquam est, qui dolorem ipsum quia dolor sit amet, consectetur, adipisci velit, sed quia non numquam eius modi tempora incidunt ut labore et dolore magnam aliquam quaerat voluptatem. Ut enim ad minima veniam, quis nostrum exercitationem ullam corporis suscipit laboriosam, nisi ut aliquid ex ea commodi consequatur? Quis autem vel eum iure reprehenderit qui in ea voluptate velit esse quam nihil molestiae consequatur, vel illum qui dolorem eum fugiat quo voluptas nulla pariatur?
Fanfic
I never got the appeal of fanfiction ... until I met Melissa. That said, here are my faves―I've ugly-cried over all of them. Don't read unless you're over 18, and scope out the tags even if you are.
Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetur adipiscing elit, sed do eiusmod tempor incididunt ut labore et dolore magna aliqua. Ut enim ad minim veniam, quis nostrud exercitation ullamco laboris nisi ut aliquip ex ea commodo consequat. Duis aute irure dolor in reprehenderit in voluptate velit esse cillum dolore eu fugiat nulla pariatur. Excepteur sint occaecat cupidatat non proident, sunt in culpa qui officia deserunt mollit anim id est laborum.
Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetur adipiscing elit, sed do eiusmod tempor incididunt ut labore et dolore magna aliqua. Ut enim ad minim veniam, quis nostrud exercitation ullamco laboris nisi ut aliquip ex ea commodo consequat. Duis aute irure dolor in reprehenderit in voluptate velit esse cillum dolore eu fugiat nulla pariatur. Excepteur sint occaecat cupidatat non proident, sunt in culpa qui officia deserunt mollit anim id est laborum.
"Honey, family you kill for. I ain't killing for any of ya." "Except Barbara."
Trivia
  • Her favorite subjects are lunch and renaissance history.
  • She's mildly dyslexic.
  • She has eight siblings: Kristin Marie, Marie, Mary Camille, Maria Christina, Toni, Tony, John Anthony, and Seamus.
  • She lost one of her kidneys in a poker game.
  • She keeps a baseball bat, named "Edith Houghton" after the first female MLB scout, taped under her desk "just in case."
Quotes
"You have to respect their now while preparing them for their future."
"I love Halloween. Best holiday ... by far. Disguises, crime, lookin' hot? These are my specialties."
"If a girl came into my house and ate my porridge and slept in my bed, I'd eat her ass.
... To be clear, in this hypothetical, I'm a bear."